The first episode of @myfavedistraction launches tomorrow and if I was being super duper honest (which is kind of a thing I do), I’d tell you that this podcast has me feeling a bit vulnerable. Not because it’s overly personal or really deep and meaningful, but because it’s pretty much the opposite of that. It’s light and fun and you’ll definitely hear me laughing about dumb shit with my friend @matthewpaulturner . And then somewhere in the midst of our light-hearted banter, I will say the words “my son died”, right in the middle of a sentence, as if that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say. I guess I’m afraid that you’ll hear me say those three terrible words without completely falling apart and interpret this as me being...I don’t know....Over it? Unbroken? Uncaring? Okay?
None of those things are true. I mean, I’m definitely not okay.
But some days I’m awkwardly good at living with #grief and the day we recorded the first episode of #MyFavoriteDistraction was, mercifully, one of them. If we’d recorded the day before, our podcast would be called Somebody Find A Xanax And Get This Chick To A Therapist and you definitely wouldn’t want to listen because #snotbubbles. Fortunately, I’ve learned how to say some pretty awful things out loud without letting them take me down. I’ve had to, because...well...my son died.
This is uncomfortable for me to admit, and probably more uncomfortable for you to imagine, but my son died and by some miracle I can still smile. I can laugh. I can make stupid jokes. I can do other seemingly inappropriate things, too, like #bingewatch three seasons of #vikings, and savor #darkchocolate with #redwine, and enjoy the #sexy kind of #love. I can still use #random hashtags and send texts with #dumbasfuck emojis (🦑🍖🦠). But, to be clear, I don’t stop grieving to live the other parts of my life, not even the parts that aren’t inherently sad. Grief is too big for that. It’s an ever-present hulk of pain, always pushing its way to the surface, but the secret to winning this battle isn’t that I can keep myself from crying. The secret is I’m always crying.
You just can’t always tell.
. #hulksmash #lifeafterdeath #laughafterdeath